So, I’ve been taking selfies lately. Yeah….
I’m not going through a narcissistic phase, if that’s what you think. I’m not doing duck faces, and if I DO, then by all means, stage an intervention. I promise you, I haven’t developed an unhealthy obsession with my good side.
Nah, the truth is, I’m coming out from behind the camera, because I’m way too comfortable back there. Over the past few years, I’ve been slipping into invisible mode. Hiding behind my kids, melting into the background, sitting on the sidelines, slipping out the door, whatever. I think some of it is a natural introversion (why does nobody believe I’m an introvert?) but some of it is probably laziness. And then there is the fact that I’m not a big fan of pictures of myself. All terrible excuses for HIDING.
I recognized this shortcoming recently, and I didn’t like it, not one bit. Life’s too short to hide from it. What do I have to lose? Vanity? Pride? Am I afraid to look a little foolish, a little fat, a little goofy? Lord forgive me. And it’s not just pictures, I tend to hold back in lots of situations, when I should be open and engaging. I can be there, without really being there. But I don’t want to be that way. When I am an old gray mama, I want them to flip through photos of me in their younger days and remember that I was full of life and joy. I want them to see the happiness on my face, the laughter in my eyes. I want them to see me engaged in all the moments given to me. Because if they see anything else, then they are seeing an untruth. And I can’t bear that thought, that they would ever believe I didn’t love sharing this life with them. I don’t want to be on the sidelines of Life, out of the picture. I’m there, and I want them to see it and remember it long after I’m gone.
So now I get it. You can’t suck in your middle and belly laugh at the same time. You can’t romp in the waves if you’re hiding under a towel. I mean that literally, AND metaphorically. You’ve got to let go, and believe in the love of your Father and those who hold your heart. For me, making my way into intentional pictures is a step towards visibility in a bigger sense. Putting myself out there, embracing the person I am at almost 39, it’s not narcissism. It’s about NOT letting stupid insecurities hold me back from the fullness of living. “Hiding” is a disservice to the great blessings I am surrounded with, and the One who gifted it all to me. So now, you see me a little more…. but hopefully, you’ll know it’s so much more than a “selfie.” It’s me saying, I’m here, and I’m glad I’m here, and I’m especially glad it’s with you. That’s worth some time in front of the camera, and in front of the crowd. My loves deserve it.
[But, I can’t defend the hashtag. #onceyoustartyoucan’tstop ]
Happy week, all.