There is a little more room here to stretch my legs. Oh, I love the Sift, don’t get me wrong. It is a grand old house. But there is so much history there. Sometimes, the weight of all those years and all those words presses too heavily on me. I am restless, and in need of the view through different windows.
I’ve been mulling over my blog for a while now, waiting for some sense of what to do with it, what to write. What have I to say anymore? I’ve suspected it for a while, but I am certain now that there is something different in me. The older I get, the more I see and read and do and think– the more quiet I become. The less I like the sound of my own voice. The more I see how far I have to go, how little I understand of the world. This vast, beautiful, and complicated existence is beyond me and my simple tools. I can’t capture it. I am inadequate to the task. Abashed that I even try.
I don’t know what to do. I am a little lost, a little sad. I am not a quitter, my friends. It goes against the very fabric of my being. But I feel like I am staring at a mountain I can’t cross.
Though, this is no pity party. There are too many incredible and amazing things in my life to indulge a moment’s pity. This is more that I am facing a crossroad in my life, and I’m frozen in front of it. I can’t seem to give up one path, and I can’t walk forward on it either. I keep waiting for something to fall out of the sky – an answer, a jetpack, a fortune cookie, anything to get me past this moment, over this mountain.
But nothing has come. So, I just keep reading, and experiencing, and thinking– gathering in all the things I can. Maybe one day, I’ll know what to do with them all. Maybe one day, all these bits and pieces of life will fit together to make something important, something that matters, something worth reading. Worth writing.
So, the halls of the Sift are quiet. The corners are dusty, the windows shut up. Whether it is just a season closed, or the end of an era, I do not know. Maybe it is too large for me now. Maybe it holds thoughts too lofty and proud and wide-sweeping and I’m simply not comfortable there anymore.
Maybe it’s just time to move on.