Well, hello stranger.
Yes, it’s been a while. I’m trying to feel guilty over it, but those days are long past, aren’t they? We have an understanding, you and I, like old, dear friends. We know how it goes. Life is busy, and that is a good thing. There is no guilt to be had. If all we can manage is a passing high-five in these crazy days, well, that’s okay. Life is beautiful and hectic and we’re neck-deep in it, aren’t we? But we’re like desert flowers, living on a little, and soaking up every precious drop when we can.
So, where have I been? Have I fallen off the face of the earth? No, I have been, simply, immersed in life.
More and more, I sink in. And I mean that in the most wonderful way. My happy sighs go deeper than ever before.
I love what it has become. What God has done with it.
It’s scrabble at the kitchen table, it’s putting on Lego guy arms, it’s babies dancing in the backseat, it’s seeing the sun rise every morning. It’s life with a man I love, it’s the VIP seating to five little works of art. It’s sharing and growing and having my chance at existence. My time. It’s being here, and WANTING to be here.
Most times, that’s amazing and lovely. Sometimes, though, it’s tough. But that’s as it should be. Life is not perfect. There are plenty of hard edges, tight spots, rough patches. Without those things to test our faith upon, how would we ever experience the fullness of Him? I am learning not to dread the tough times.
So this life, it’s not without some difficulties and challenges, but I’m totally, absolutely, in love with it.
God did that.
Every day, He helps me love beyond myself. You know why? Because I BEGGED Him to, because I was failing miserably on my own. I’m serious. Maybe you didn’t see it on the outside. I held it together well enough, but on the inside, I was flailing. Because even now, STILL, after being a Christian for 30 years, there’s a part of me that wants to do this in my own strength. Partly pride, partly trying to earn God’s approval, partly trying to be righteous on my own merit–
whatever it is– I got to the point recently where I was DONE. It was not working. So, I started wrestling with God about it. I began to pray about it every morning, just telling Him I knew I couldn’t change myself, and I needed Him to do it for me.
And He has.
He’s changing me. It’s the most amazing experience- to feel differently, and know that I have not done this thing! I continue to pray the same thing every day, because I know myself. I know I will slip back into my own sufficiency (which isn’t sufficient at all.) And I don’t want to go back to that futile, miserable place. God’s grace is so, so, so much better than my pitiful attempts. I can’t do for myself what He can do for me, not by a long shot.
So, here I am, learning to lean on Him in a new way, learning to talk to Him, to trust Him in ways I never quite let myself before. It’s exciting. I’m seeing fruits of it in my children, in my relationships, in my whole outlook on life. I can feel it, this transforming wonder that is Him–
Anyway, that’s where I’ve been. I’m finding Him, finding joy, in more and more moments of my day. That’s why days pass at my blog silently, as life and happiness crowd in around me. It is the best kind of busy a body can be.
Hope the same is true for you, my friend.
Signing off for now– see you again, at life’s next interlude.