As I sit here, little bodies are resting fitfully around the house, and I know I am probably mere seconds from being summoned to the sickbeds. I am in the eye of the storm. While I am here, though, the eerie quiet calls, and I want to write.
It’s been a strange Christmas season for me. We celebrated, of course. Ate. Wrapped. Sang. Prayed. We crafted, and baked, and decorated. All the things that you do. And it was all lovely.
But at the same time, inside, I’ve been a restless, floating thing. Unsettled. A little lost. I’ve been thinking so hard about my brother, myself, my family… Going to Alanon and confronting all these feelings and just wearing myself out emotionally.
Don’t get me wrong, I needed to be there. I was doing the right thing. It couldn’t wait a second longer.
But the collision of these two experiences, Christmas and Alanon, left me with some serious mental vertigo! I didn’t know if I was coming or going. One minute, I’d be rejoicing as my children sang about the birth of Christ, and the next, I’d be in a big puddle of tears over my struggling family.
Tonight, though, there is peace. Peace! I am not torn. I am not captive. I am free! I let go. I said it out loud for the first time, “I’m done with this. I want to let it go now. I am leaving the past in the past.” And I literally felt that burden fly away.
That is tonight.
I may have to say it again tomorrow. I may have to pry my hands off these old hurts and emotions. But I will know, “Hey, I did it yesterday. I can do it again today.” And I’ll let it go again.
Christmas is over. The New Year has begun. Two days in, and I am up to my eyeballs in mothering a houseful of sick children. I’m no richer, no thinner, no more organized that I was at the close of 2010. I’ve broken EVERY SINGLE RESOLUTION so far. And yet, I know even in this moment when debt and work and stress are at their peak, that this is going to be one amazing year.
I can just feel it.