I am greedy with this extra hour over the weekend. I keep using it to justify staying up just a little later… when really, I should be in bed. But there is that undeniable, inescapable writer’s itch that comes strongest upon me at midnight. And so, I sit here, considering how much of my life I can share with you as the night dies into another day.
I had a perfect moment, Friday afternoon. Baby in the high chair, num-numming his way through a jar of banana and apple. The sound of my three boisterous boys laughing and wrestling drifted down the hallway to me. My beautiful daughter flitted from room to room, looking for a book or a toy or some other bit of happiness to pass her time. John Mayer’s Free Fallin’ played softly on the radio, dinner bubbled on the stove, and my husband walked through the door from work.
And in that moment, I tried as hard as I possibly could to memorize it exactly, with every sense at my disposal. Because I know, this is what I will beg my memory to recall in perfect clarity one day. This is the day I will wish to relive again. This pure, undiluted contentment of my life.
Achingly wonderful. Enchanting. The take-my-breath-away kind of perfect.
But, life is best in layers, don’t you think? So, there’s more.
As focused as I am on my own little hearth, I am also somewhere else these days. I am in the past, I am with my sisters and brother, and my parents. I am reliving, rethinking so many moments over the years. My brother is in rehab, but that’s not what this is about. He’s there, and I’m praying for him. But, God is doing something more than dealing with him. He’s restoring some of what we’ve lost along the way. He’s reknitting the frayed edges. Bitterness and anger and silence are losing their power in my family. We are learning to reclaim one another. It’s not been easy. We have a long way to go. But we’re waking up, and I want to write a song about it, or paint a picture, or hug the world– because it makes me happy to the marrow. I have missed us. What is happening right now, my friends… it is the best kind of magic.
These are special days. I’m looking everywhere at once. Behind me, beside me, beyond. There is so much to see, to remember, to create, to memorize…
I’m not sure what to do with it all just yet. I can feel it there, bubbling within me. I am alert, eager as all these things simmer in my heart. I watch, ready to do what I am supposed to with it, trusting that I’ll know that thing when and if it comes. Where once there was uncertainty, and fear about this need to write– there is now peace and patience. It’s just not about me anymore. I want to do what He wants me to. The end. Nothing else is worth it.
So, darlings, that is it. That is where I am these days, or at least, as close as I can describe it.
But alas, this midnight train must roll on, into another day, saving some things to say for tomorrow. Good night, moonbeams.