and she’d be right.  Writing after midnight is never a very good idea.

I’m going to bed, I am.  But as soon as I do, I know a little mister will be up for his midnight feeding– it always happens just as I am drifting off.  Oh well.  I’d probably be up crying for something to eat every couple hours, too, if I was on all liquids diet!

So, I’ve been a little absent lately.  You haven’t seen much of me here, or on Facebook.  I’m not quick with returning emails or phone calls.  I am going to admit, I have kinda checked out.

Now, this could turn into a downer of a post, which I did want to avoid.  I am reluctant to be completely honest here, because I don’t want you to think I’m feeling sorry for myself.  I don’t want to sound complainy.  Or unhappy.  But I don’t think it’s fair to hide the fact that I’m struggling right now.  I think I owe you honesty in the good and the bad.  So, I’m gonna forge ahead with this post.

People often comment that they “don’t know how I do it all”.  They can’t believe I have five kids, and I homeschool, etc. etc.  These are entirely well intentioned people, who are probably just trying to recognize the enormity of this undertaking.  But, it makes me feel like I am misrepresenting myself.  Because, I am no superwoman. WonderGirl– it’s just a fun play with words.  I am not managing my life wonderfully well most of the time.  Many days, I am not thriving, succeeding, certainly not a superhero– I am just doing everything I can to keep my head above water.

sigh.

You know what I’m talking about.  It’s tough.  You’ve got your own challenges, your own mountain to climb.  (Thank you, Miley Cyrus)  Mine… well, I’m trudging along, but there are moments when this mountain is so high, I can’t even see the peak. And I am stumbling all over the path, close enough to the edge for panic to set in if I’m not careful.

I am striving to remember that it isn’t the tasks themselves (which are incredibly repetitive, sometimes gross, and certainly menial)– but rather, the principle of servanthood and patience and obedience that is important.  But sometimes… after cleaning up the boys’ potty for the sixth time in one day… it’s hard to stay focused on the spiritual aspect of my job.  It’s hard not to be aggravated that somebody has messed up the thing that I JUST FINISHED CLEANING.  And messed it up with absolute abandon, too.  (Oh my stars, the humanity!)  I do not think happy thoughts at that moment.

It’s very un-Christian of me.  But coupled with this frustration is a huge sense of guilt.  I feel like I basically have one job, to tend this house and these children and my husband.  And I can’t get it done.

It’s no fun to feel like you’re not doing a very good job.  I wish I could see my accomplishments for the day, but right now, I go to bed at night just thinking about what I didn’t get done for the day, what I failed abysmally at, and how behind I am for tomorrow before it’s even started.

(sheesh.  depressing much?)

I guess all that to say, this is not one of my better seasons.  It’s strange, because on one hand, I love, love, love these days.  Really, I do.  But on the other hand… I feel like holding up a sign as I drive down the road (in my minivan, nonetheless) that says “HELP ME, I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED!!”

Is that normal?

Will it get better?

Will they all be okay as I have this not-so-capable meltdown?

Will I?

Hm.  I think that’s enough for tonight.  Probably should have taken my mom’s advice, huh?

Thanks for letting me get that off my shoulders.  I am not fishing for you guys to come to my rescue and make me feel better, that’s really not what this was about.  I do think writing about it, and being honest will help me take a step in that direction, though.

Tomorrow’s another day, right?

Maybe I’ll start it out by drinking my coffee in one of these.  (I’m serious.  I really want this.  How could it not help?)

Advertisements