So, finally, I saw a doctor today. Sitting in the waiting room as big bellies paraded past me, I felt incredibly out of place. I didn’t realize how uncertain of this pregnancy I was until that moment. I began to think, I’ve just been fooling myself– inventing symptoms– ’cause there’s no way I fit here.
At the moment of the ultrasound, I prepared myself to see an empty space. A black void, where a baby should be, but wasn’t. Because, I’ve been there before– expecting to see something, then not, and that is a cruel blow. Once that’s happened, you’re skittish. Spooked. So, I’m laying there with however much dignity one can gather up in a backless, paper gown– and I hold my breath. Until, yes, there it is! A little human being. I am not crazy, I didn’t convince myself of anything– I really am, actually, truly, pregnant with my fifth child.
That’s big potatoes, people. There’s no denying it anymore– life is about to change. Am I ready? Who is? I’m just trusting that God will provide us with everything we need to grow this way. Patience, fortitude, time, space, money… I’ll admit, it’s a little scary to me at this point. I don’t want to get buried in the details of it, I know it’ll all work out, so I don’t think too hard on it. But there are moments, there are fears– will I be enough? Can I stretch far enough to handle it all? I know I can’t. But I do know that when I’ve reached as far as I can go, God goes the rest of the way. That’s incredibly reassuring.
Well, that’s it for now. I’ve got Monday to tend to. I’ll be back tomorrow, because I’ve got plenty to write about– I’ve just been holding off till this appointment was settled. Now, my brain is cleared up a bit, and I’m not in limbo anymore– so let the writing begin!