Oh, I’m struggling today.
Struggling to find the joy. Struggling to find me in this mess. Struggling not to get angry over long division, over fusses over toy cars, over spilled cups, and laundry that just won’t end. Struggling not to be angry at God, because what He wants and what I want are not the same thing today.
I’m weary of doing jobs that never end. I am numb from the repetitious behavior. I can’t find the reward, I just keep finding more to do. Is this what God wants? I know it’s not– I know it’s not just the sum of chores I’ve accomplished for the day. He wants my heart. But sometimes, my hands are so busy, that my heart can’t keep up. I know today, my work is not a beautiful sacrifice. I am no Proverbs 31 woman this day. I am resentful, and tired, discouraged. I have not been patient, or kind. I have been everything WRONG. So, not only have I done all this work today, it’s not even worth anything. I might as well have not done a thing.
I’m not unhappy, not intrinsically. I love my children, I love my husband. I’m glad for the choices we’ve made. But dang, sometimes, it’s just so hard.
I need a hug. I need truth. I need a prayer today.