So, I still have moments, when my soul is dragging the floor. Though I know I’m healing, there are times that sadness buffets me. I keep going, keep doing what I’m doing, but I’m hunkered down under it, trying not to lose my footing.
Today is a week.
I keep seeing things, hearing things… little reminders that God is with me. A picture of a fellow blogger, holding a coffee cup that said, “Suffering is bitter, but it’s fruits are sweet.” Or, the song on the radio, “I Know that my Redeemer Lives”, whose lyrics reached right into my pain. Or, hearing my own voice as I explained to the kids that it’s okay that Obama will be president, because God is always in control of everything, and He works it all out for good.
He’s here, and I know it, because He keeps drawing my eyes to His presence.
There are still the reminders of loss, too. The box of maternity clothes came in. I couldn’t decide what to do with it, in more ways than one. Will I ever wear these things again? Should I give them away, should I sell them? Should I even open the box? I let it sit in the middle of the floor, right where the delivery man put it, for hours. I walked around it, trying to see past it when I moved through the room.
I finally opened it. And it didn’t kill me. I won’t say it was easy, but I made peace with it.
Reminders, reminders, everywhere. I can’t get away from loss, and I can’t get away from Him.
I wrote something just a few weeks ago that I can’t help but think of nowadays.
…while there is air to move beyond my lips, no matter how sweet or bitter, then I will thank Him for it. “And the Lord God formed man of the dust of the ground, and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life; and man became a living soul.” He leaned down, gave me breath, gave me love, gave me life. What else can I do, but sigh back in thanksgiving, praising him with the very breath He gave?
Learning to thank Him, even when I’m hurting, even when I didn’t get what I wanted, Learning to praise Him, even when my heart breaks and my womb aches, and my arms feel empty—
is learning to love Him in a whole new way.
And I can’t believe for one moment, that I didn’t need that.