Tonight, I try to memorize her voice. I etch the sweetness of her high pitched, little girl cadence into my mind as she reads aloud about a unicorn named Twilight who helps to rescue a kitten named Sparkle. And when it is my turn to read, and the kitten faces the dangers of a barn fire, I can feel her heart overcome with concern. And my own is overcome with who she is right now, right in this instant. She is unicorns and kittens and rainbows… it is funny and precious, and I want to remember it exactly as it is.
I open all my senses, making myself a blank slate for her to write upon. I will my mind to make a perfect memory of her, exactly as she is at this moment. Her still squeaky voice, her shiny curls clean from a bath, her long limbs with all the bumps and bruises of a tomboy, her nimble and elegant fingers fluttering the pages… I call upon everything in me, the billions of neurons hard at work, to make no mistakes in recording my child. Please, help me, I say. This is the most important job you have.
Because, I know, oh how I know. I will want this back.
As much as I look forward to in her life, as proud as I am to see her moving and growing… I will want this back. I know it in my bones, as you know it in yours.
It is this thought that has helped me reach a decision about whether to keep blogging or not. This blog is a lot of things, but it’s most important function in my life is as a Keeper. This is where I hide my treasures. This is where I squirrel away the good things in life, building up a stash of all the things I’ll want back.
So, I’ll keep writing. It may change tone a little. It may be less frequent. But what’s here will matter to me in ten years, more than having a little extra time to read or jog or sew. I am not ready to stop writing, not when there is so much inspiration around me.