Dear Sewing Machine:

I think the time has come to call this what it is. War. Your skipped stitches and bobbin catastrophes and broken threads are all part of a systematic campaign to drive me entirely insane*. We are locked in a battle of good and evil. I, being good, and you being EVIL. Not just evil, but EAVE-ILL.

If I could strangle the life out of you, I’d be sorely tempted today.

And still you sit there, acting like you’ve done nothing wrong. Perfectly quiet. Not moving so much as your pedal foot. I can see you from here, all smug and silent, feigning innocence and all like, “what? i’m inanimate! stop personifying!”

You just shut up, you spawn of darkness. Don’t make me unplug you. You just don’t know how close you are to being replaced with this cute little number:


I just wanted to warn you. I am sorry you’ve been lured to the darkside, because we used to have something good. We had a beautiful relationship, you and I. But you went and got mad with power, and here we are. My advice, dear fiend who was once my friend, is you better hightail it back to the good side. Otherwise, I’ll be forced to, um, well use the Force on you. I don’t want to have to team up with Hello Kitty, because I think she’s got issues all her own, but I will, dadgummit. You’re pushing me to it. Never mind that Hello Kitty looks like she’s got a shiner and she’s drunk as a skunk. (I’m pretty sure that’s her pink tongue lolling out.) Still, she’s looking pretty good next to you, the Dark Lord of Stitchery.


That’s all I have to say. (I won’t even bring up what’s going on with your zig zag stitch– see, I’m trying to compromise here.)

So, get it together.


*entirely insane. Would that include writing (and publishing) letters to your sewing machine? Yes, I do believe it does.