I suppose that last entry was a tad cryptic. Sorry. I was at a loss for words at the moment, but I am more collected now.

Last night, I learned that my brother is in serious trouble. I haven’t written about him here in a long time; he needed privacy to begin reconstructing his life after jail. Since he got out last August, he entered the Drug Court, which monitored him closely with drug tests, meetings, counseling, etc. He had a list of do’s and don’ts. And if he slipped up, he was booted from the program and had to serve his full sentence, which is seventeen years.

He’s had a few bumps along the road, but they’ve been patient, and given him second chances. But, you can’t live your life on second chances. Eventually, you run out of them. And that’s what happened this weekend. He violated his probation, and in a week, he will have a hearing before a judge to decide his fate. It will almost certainly mean incarceration. I say almost, because there is still the chance that the judge will do something unexpected. There is always room for a miracle. But you don’t count on them, you know?

It took a few hours for this to sink in with me. When it did, all I could do was grieve. Trey has a new wife of three months, a sweet girl who now faces an uncertain and scary future. I thought of her. And then I thought of my mother, who has harbored hope, as we all have, and now that hope is crushed beneath the weight of seventeen years. And I thought of Trey, who must feel that he’s lost everything, and has only himself to blame. I thought of my children, my family, who have lost a future of memories with him.

I grieve the loss of hope. Maybe tomorrow I will feel differently. Maybe tomorrow I will find my hope again. But today, though I take comfort in the fact that God is in control of all things, my soul aches.