I have been taking measures to fuel that creative machine though, by reading a bit.  I’m nearly finished reading Red Harvest, by Dashiell Hammett.  Not my usual kind of novel, it’s crime noir, but I have really enjoyed it.   You’ll be reading a scene and then out of nowhere, he delivers a line like an upper cut to your brain.  It’s awesome.  The plot isn’t bad, the characters are interesting, but it’s those one-liners that keep me turning pages.  Like,

“So you’re still alive,” she said. “I suppose nothing can be done about it.”

Love it.

In other news, well, there isn’t much.  Things are pretty normal around here.  Feel like we’re in a bit of holding pattern, waiting on things.  Waiting on warm weather.  Waiting on results from King Pen’s licensing exam.  Waiting on the homeschool co-op to start back up.  Waiting on income tax forms to come in. 

It’s making for a long January.

But, whenever I start to get impatient, I just remind myself that we’re right on the cusp of all these things coming together.  All the long days are behind us, and we’re oh-so-close to many things coming to fruition.  It’s exciting to consider how different things may be this time next year.

And the long days have given us an excuse to indulge in a few pleasures– like watching Lord of the Rings with the oldest kids for the first time.  It has been very gratifying to hear their exclamations of delight or horror or amusement– they really love it.  It’s fun to share the experience with them, and pass that torch along. (Handing down nerdlore is an important tradition in my family.  Just ask my dad.) We haven’t watched the last one yet, I guess I’m holding off to stretch it out a bit more.  It definitely makes me look forward to the coming years, when our interests will overlap more and more.  I can definitely see the joy on the horizon to be found in having adult children.  Strange that I can now envision that more easily.

Well, I can’t pretend I don’t have a day’s worth of stuff to do.  I can’t pretend I’m not still in my pajamas, or that we’re an hour late starting school, or that I’m considering another cup of coffee before tackling it all.  Just wanted to pop in and say I haven’t forgotten this place.  Bear with me as I balance writing here and there and everwhere.  Love you guys!

Everybody have a happy Thursday!

B- wondering about Brittany, my gypsy of a sister who is in India for a walkabout.

C- baby Cal, not a baby anymore.  He turned two a week ago, and I still can’t get over it.

D- Downton Abbey is back, ya’ll.  Don’t Dare Distract Momma from 8-9 p.m. on Sundays.

E-  For me, this is the year of no more Excuses.

F- Frittata that King Pen has perfected in the cast-iron skillet for Sunday night dinners.  A man who cooks? Fantastic.

G- Gossiping.  I’m done with it.  I’m going on a Gossip-Free Diet.  It’s little and ugly and makes me feel gross, and I don’t want to do it anymore.

H- Happy.  I’m Happy, and I know it, and I clap my Hands.

I- nothing.  I got nothing on this one.

J- January- I don’t hate it this year!  It’s actually been mild and fairly dry.  Nice. (Hope I don’t Jinx it because of that one!)

K- Kindle, kindle, how I love thee.  I find that I am reading a much wider variety of books because of you.

L- L‘s, L‘s, L‘s- we are working so hard with Solon on his L’s, day in and day out.

M-  Menu planning.  It’s not the most glamorous Moment of my week, but I LOVE having it all figured out and I’m saving Money!

N- my sweet friend and Neighbor, Audrey, whom God brought back into my life, is moving in a few weeks.  I will be sad to see her go, but grateful that I had her while I did.

O- One hundred push-ups in 6 weeks?  Maybe.  We’ll see.

P– Pictures, millions of them, taking them, editing them, sharing them- so sweet and sad to see.

Q- Q?  Really? Quit hassling me, Alphabet.

R- Ron Paul.  The man with two first names, and my whole heart.

S- there is always Someone to hug, Someone to fuss at, Someone to feed, Someone to teach, Someone one to buckle or tie or wipe– there is always Someone beside me who needs me, and that is the Sweetest blessing I know.

T- “Tomorrow is NOW!” best Biggest Loser quote ever.  Stop saying tomorrow,  say now.

U- my Uncle in Ukraine!  He is settling back in for a two year stint.  Thank goodness for Skype.

V- Very Relevant Verse- “The wrath of man does not produce the righteousness of God.”  Ouch.  Take that, parenting skills.

W- Writing, daily, is a Wondrous and scary thing.

X- taX time!  Come on W2s!

Y- turkeY.  We are all about Jennie-O around here.  (Don’t tell my family, they still think they’re getting actual HAMburgers.)

Z- Ziploc steam bags.  ‘Nuff said.

(HT to Haley, for the ABC idea.)

I have been struggling with this writing project, not finding the time for it, but trying to understand what I’ve got to say.  I’ve always fallen apart when I start to formally write, with purpose- as in, creating a story and seeing it through.  I just haven’t been able to find my direction.

Until today.  Today, that magic moment happened that sometimes happens when I’m writing a blog post.  I don’t know how to explain it, other than that occasionally (certainly not all the time!) something slides into place, a sentence that writes itself, a thought that emerges from the cloud of words in my mind…and I am writing from a distance, watching it happen.

It’s a wonderful, euphoric feeling.  I write for those moments. 

Today, for the first time ever, that didn’t just happen with words– it happened with an idea.  When it came, it was exactly, perfectly right.  It fit me like nothing else ever has.  It is the natural conclusion of everything I’ve ever felt, and ever written. It is where all roads have been leading.

I know how I sound.

But, I can’t minimize this feeling, not even for a minute.  It’s the most overwhelming moment of my whole writing journey.  I found the why.  I want to write this, and I want you to know it’s not me.  It’s not about talent, or grammar, or vocabulary.  It’s not about being published, or having a career, or a readership, or anything.  This is more “not about me” than I’ve ever been before.  I just want to write those magic moments– the ones that aren’t mine.  I just want to answer that call I heard today, the call of a story that matters. 

I wanted to share that with you.  Pray with me, that I don’t get in the way, that I’m not too scared, that God will bless this endeavor. 

There are times when I am overwhelmed with what it means to be alive, to be human.  It’s extraordinary to be what we are, in this world.  The uniqueness, the ingenuity, the perseverance — the millions of moments of kindness and creativity and loveliness of life–

Sometimes it takes my breath away.  I scramble with pen or camera or mind, trying to memorize the details.  But we can’t, really, can we?  There’s no method to preserve Life and Time that even comes close to the real thing.

The sweetness is in the living, in the experiencing.

But, not every taste of life is sweet- we learn that early, don’t we?  There are so many broken things in this world- so much to hurt over and fear and abhor– I see them, too.  It’s sad, and scary.

But, beneath that, above it, behind it, within it– there is joy and goodness that we cannot escape.

The government is going to pot, but my cat still smiles a kitty smile when I rub her warm, fuzzy belly.

Waters are polluted, the legal system corrupted, but my baby is still adorable when he tries to wink at me with both eyes.

There are the homeless and sick and orphaned and abused, but there are also the compassionate and selfless and heroic and generous.

There is darkness, and evil.  But there is light, and good.

The world could be a lot, lot worse.  We could all be starving, repressed, miserable.  Societies have existed as such– it’s not unthinkable.

But you know, cats would still smile.  Babies would still wink.  You would still find compassion and heroism and generosity.

Because good never goes away completely.  The Light is never extinguished entirely.

Life is always worth living.

As Christians, we know it, we’re attuned to it.  It’s a message we bear to the world, that every good thing comes from above.  All these flickers of joy and goodness in Life are reflections of Him, who overcame the darkness.  Smiling cats, winking babies, whatever makes you smile and wonder and laugh– they exist because He Won.  He broke Death.  He killed Sin.

We are living in the death throes of darkness, my friend.

So, we could waste our time, wringing our hands, fearing the shadows, staring into the abyss, wondering if life is even worth living– or we could watch the way the wind blows the dandelions and rest in the truth of John 1:5.

I choose dandelions.

I know a few things about myself, probably things you guys have known all along.  When I enjoy something, I go for it.  I am an enthusiast.  Not only do I want to learn it, I want to teach it.  I want to know as much as I can about it, and I want you to learn it and love it, too.   I talk about it, research it,  I get bumper stickers and business cards and join internet groups about it.  It becomes my FAVE.

I have a lot of faves.

Some don’t have a lot of staying power.  (You should see my collection of crochet needles, guitar picks, fondant rollers, and framing supplies) Others make the long haul, only to hit a wall.  But a few things, they manage to survive the ever growing list of things I love– but they stay in some sort of stasis.  I’m still invested, but not producing.

I tell myself, it’s because I don’t have time. Or money.  Or energy.

I say, I can’t possibly.

But, something has changed.  Something has awoken in me, some part of me that is outraged at the repression, at the “I can’ts.”  Something has had enough.

And now I see this carefully constructed shield of excuses I have built.  Not having enough time, having five children and homeschooling and being involved in all these other things– all just excuses.  All to hide the fact that I am simply, afraid of failing.  Afraid I’m not good enough, that I can’t work hard enough, that I can’t handle the pressure of making an actual, physical goal and meeting it.  Afraid that if I try, and I can’t or won’t see it through, then I (and everyone else) will know what a big letdown I really am.

But, this book- I don’t know, I just had a light go on.

No more excuses.  No more fear. No more I can’ts.

I want to set a goal, and take actual steps right now to meet it.  I want to persevere.  Even if what I have at the end isn’t perfect or reasonable or marketable or logical to anyone else– I want to know I’ve done it.  I need to know I’ve done it.  I’m tired of not challenging myself because of fear.  Life’s too short. Nobody cares if I do or don’t– nobody else is telling me, “You can’t.”  I’ve been telling myself that, which is the shame of it all.  I just need to believe in myself, stop sabotaging myself before I even try.

So, I’ve committed to myself, an hour a day, to writing 300 words.  It’s the minimum, and the maximum.  Such a small sliver of my day, one that is easily lost to t.v. or Words with Friends or extra long soaks in the tub– but it’s also the biggest leap, the riskiest use of my time.  It means I’ve asked something of myself, and that’s scary.

Maybe the fear will stick, I don’t know.  Maybe that’s a natural part of going after a dream, and this whole time I’ve been waiting for it not to be a frightening thing.  Whatever, but I’m done turning away from it.  I’ll be brave, and I’ll do this thing.  Whatever shape I’m in by the end, it will be such a joy to have that dream in hand, real and solid and mine.

Because the alternative, a life time of never even trying– is not just scary.  It’s tragic.

Now, every time I hear myself say, “I can’t,” I will change it to, “I’ll try.”  And in a year, when I look back and consider the past twelve months– I know I’ll be content with the effort, the struggle to DO those things, to reach my goals, to try for the dreams– instead of the regret of another year lost, another year waiting, another year hiding.

Let this be the year, I Try.

Are you as discombobulated (don’t you love that word?) as I am this week?  I just can’t seem to get myself oriented since the holiday break.  Our schedule is all askew.  I don’t know if I’m coming or going or what day of the week it is or the month or the year!  Hopefully finishing out this week and hitting the “reset button” this weekend will get me back on track. 

Speaking of reset buttons, I’m trying to get back into the swing of things at the gym and that is TOUGH.  I had a much lighter approach to things over Christmas, just sort of indulging and relaxing a bit more than usual.  Now it’s time to pay the piper though, right?  I will be glad to get past that point of wanting to cry in the mornings when the alarm goes off because it’s cold and I’m not done sleeping and I was just at the good part of my dream.  (I’m so whiny before the sun comes up!)  But, it’ll get better– just gotta soldier through this part and get back into the routine.  I truly do enjoy being healthier and stronger, and I know that doesn’t come for free. 

I’m also starting to train for the Warrior Dash, which is a big motivation.  It’s the first 5K I’ve ever done, which is exciting, but the REAL kicker for me is the obstacle course.  Along the way are mudpits, barbed wire, climbing walls, fire jumps– ooooh boy!  Am I weird that those things sound like heaven to me?  What is the deal with that? 

But it’s not just me- my whole family must have issues, as well, because my parents and brother and sisters are all signed up for the beating, too.  We’re doing it together.  We’ve never done anything like this, but I think it’s going to be an awesome experience to share together.  And man, do I want that fuzzy warrior helmet and free beer that’s waiting at the finish line!  I think there are also turkey legs available.  Who doesn’t want to tear into a big old hunk of meat after running the gauntlet, right?

To be honest though, I have no idea what I’ve gotten myself into, so I am gonna train like crazy beforehand.  You’ll probably hear lots more whining about that in the months to come, don’t worry.   

Well, I probably should hop off for now.  End of my coffee, and bedheads are starting to ramble around, looking for breakfast.  Hope everybody has a good morning, and we’ll chat again soon.  Happy Wednesday, everybody!  (It is Wednesday, right?)

It came.

Finally.  The day you dared to hoped for, the day you were afraid at times would never come…

The day the seasons changed.

Oh, joy in my heart.  Do you remember this?  Do you remember the pain, the fear, the anger?  Do you remember wondering if your heart would ever be in one piece again?  Do you remember wondering if you’d ever hear your parents laugh again?  Do you remember wondering if he would EVER GET IT?

Well, that day has come.

He gets it.

As I read these words, it really hit me, these are the words of a new man- words that I will never take for granted.  Words that are a gift from God.  Words that mean a new life is beginning for my brother, for my family.  A life of possibility, of joy.

Oh, world.  Do you know how happy I am?  For a year, I’ve watched him.  Skeptically at first, full of doubts and fears and disbelief.  Then, with a small thread of hope– maybe?  Is it real– is he changing?  Slowly, I’ve watched him taking steps, trying- even though he didn’t know exactly what he was moving towards.  I’ve been surprised, with each new revelation he has, with each moment of growth that I just couldn’t have imagined back then.  I’ve cheered his successes, and still been spooked at the bumps, wondering if he’d hold steady.  He has.  He’s jumping hurdles.  He’s doing it.  What I hoped for, prayed for in those darkest times, is happening.  He’s letting God save his life.

And while it’s happening in big, obvious ways in his life, it’s happening in small, quiet ways in ours.  Hurts being healed, ties being reknit, trust slowly rebuilt, forgiveness finding it’s way into hearts.

The season for mourning has passed.

It is time to rejoice- to sing- to dance, because one of the lost sheep has been found.  Welcome home, my brother, my friend.  I’ve missed you.

Let the old season fade away, and the new begin.

Good morning, sunshines!

9:45, I’m still in my pjs, and sipping my second cup of coffee.  The kids are eating a late breakfast of Frosted Flakes, King Pen is sleeping in, and I am catching up on the internets.  It is shaping up to be a mahvelous vacation day.

Of course, it’s not all play– I do have a few tasks to accomplish some time in the next few days.  Have to get ready for school to start back up on Tuesday.  But that’s dayyyyyyyyssss away, so I might as well enjoy the moment.  After the hubbub of the holidays, it’s so nice to come home and have down time.  Family time, that isn’t all work.  We’re playing games, taking bike rides, going to Target, for fun.  Nice.

So, our Christmas was lovely.  Was yours?  We ate and ate and ate and ate.  I seriously do not have to eat again until after the New Year.  I shouldn’t eat again until after the New Year!  Seeing family was really great.  It wasn’t hectic or stressful- it was just good.  What a special group of people I have to call my own!  I know that many people dread the holidays and dealing with strained family relationships and awkwardness– but we don’t have that.  I am so blessed to have the family I do, both biological and marital.

And of course, Christmas with the kids is always fun.  Everybody was super excited about their gifts, and were so full of Christmas spirit, they could hardly stand it.  I loved another year of observing our little family traditions, seeing how important those are to the kids now.  I loved seeing their childhood memories in the making.  I can’t explain it– it’s overwhelming at times.  The closest I can describe it is when I look at the pictures of Christmas from my childhood.  The photos are of us kids, tearing into a present, or proudly holding up the gift we just opened.  In the background is our tree (complete with icicles hung ONE AT A TIME) and all the other familiar trimmings, and my parents.  Standing in the frame, to the side.  Watching- enjoying- witnessing the fruit of their love and effort, coffee in hand.  Even at the time, their presence was comforting and safe and warm- it made my happiness, happier.  I understood it as a child– but now as an adult and as a parent, I see the greater gifts in those moments.  I see the depths within those pictures.  I see the love, the sacrifice, the overtime worked, the pennies pinched, the worry hidden, the hours spent in creating this moment of happiness, this memory.  My parents crafted that moment with care and love and selflessness.

Now, that is me- in the corner of the photograph, watching my child glow.  It’s my turn.  I see their eyes widen with disbelief and pleasure as they receive what they most wanted in the whole world, but it’s MY heart that expands and my awe that overflows.  I marvel over the incredible gift, the overwhelming honor, of participating in their life.  I got the golden ticket.  I won the lottery.  I hit the jackpot.  I got my heart’s desire, and not just on December 25, but every day of the year.

I hope my children will see that when they flip through the old photos of these days.  I hope, they will be drawn back to the incredible GOODNESS of our God, who gave His Son– and could have stopped right there and been so much more than we could ever thank Him for.  But He went even farther, and gave us each other, too—

mindboggling.  Soulstirring.

He makes our hearts merry and light, doesn’t He?

Happy last week of the year, everybody.  Hope it is as sweet for you as it is for us…